5 Things-Not to do in a Marriage
Are you asking yourself, “Why a list of things not to do; why not a list of things I can do to improve my marriage?”
Let’s look at it this way: We all know what it feels like to be taken for granted or to feel hurt by our partner or by a friend or family member. Every single one of us has the ability to perceive what hurts us and what makes us feel good. It does not require a certain education level or a certain status in life to know how we feel. We feel what we feel and there is nothing that can change the way we feel. The only thing we can ever change is how we react to our feelings. We know what it is that hurts us, we have experienced at some point in our lives how painful a critical or judgmental statement or a look of contempt can feel; we’ve seen how one negative comment can harm or even destroy a relationship and we know how much negativity hurts. We also know that even one negative, spiteful, or hateful comment can far outweigh many positive comments. Likewise, we know that our negative actions or negative actions directed towards us are also far outweighed by our or our others’ positive behavior.
It is not a balancing test. If we lash out at and hurt our partner, whether it be physically, emotionally or verbally; all the positive acts on our behalf may never make up for the damage our one negative action caused.
One hundred positive comments are not guaranteed to replace or make amends for even one negative action.
Because we are so in tune with what it takes to hurt us; we know how little it takes to hurt our partner. Because we know what is negative it doesn’t take a marriage counselor to tell us that the first step in improving a relationship is to eradicate the negative behaviors that continually pollute the marital environment. Before we plant a garden of love it makes sense to clean out the overgrowing weeds and rid the garden of the poisonous ants. We have to clean up the area before can beautify it. The more we make ourselves aware of the little and not so little things we do that can hurt our partners, the more we free our own feelings of love to blossom and bloom.
The challenge of any marriage requires a commitment to the four P’s
1. Practice
2. Persistence
3. Perseverance
4. Patience
Why write a list of marital don’t when everyone else writes list of marital do’s? I have three reasons; the first is from the POV (Point-of-view) of a lawyer who handles many family law cases; the second is a spiritual or religious viewpoint; the third is a hodgepodge-catch all, in other words a common sense-logical view point.
In my law practice, sadly clients do not retain me or come to me for a consultation because they want to share their happiness and marital bliss with me. By the time a client comes to me, they have usually given their marriage a second or third chance. Many have been to marital counseling. Of course, every case differs and often a client hires me out of necessity and not by choice, meaning that they did not choose for the marriage to end and would like to take extraordinary measures to prevent their spouse from obtaining a divorce. It always hurts me when I have to explain to a client or a potential client that I am not in the marriage counseling business. I have to explain that there is nothing I can do to either save their marriage or to block the divorce proceedings. By the time a person gets to me; the best and only advice I can give to them is legal advice. I can only represent their rights and ensure that the divorce and incidental matters are both fair and equitable.
I firmly believe, however, that a large number of my clients quite possibly could have at an earlier point saved their marriage. An ounce of prevention goes a long way. This article is designed to provide you with useful information to save your marriage before it is ever in any real trouble. Sure marriage and family counseling works---sometimes. It is possible however to salvage your marriage before you need a counselor. Please do not misconstrue that last statement. If you and your spouse are having domestic problems and either one or both of you believe that you need to see a counselor; then by all means I encourage and recommend just that. Find a counselor and do not delay.
These words are not intended to usurp the professional advice of doctors, therapist and social workers who are educated, trained and skilled in the areas of reducing marital problems. Quite the opposite; these words are intended to hopefully allow some of you to recognize areas in your marriage where either you, your partner or both can stop doing things that often ultimately lead to marital strife.
Why a list of marital taboos rather than a “to do” list of marital suggestions? The following Talmudic story answers the question:
A non believer confronted the great sage Hillel, the Elder, and demanded that he teach him entire Torah while standing on one foot. Hillel agreed and said the following: “What’s hateful to yourself don’t do to another. Everything else is commentary. Now go and learn. Many commentators have wondered why he chose to answer in the negative rather than quoting the famous biblical proscription “To love thy neighbor as thyself”
My interpretation is simple and is outlined above.
The beginning paragraph, describing how we all know what it is that hurts and what is like to be look at with contempt answers this spiritual or religious question. It is my interpretation as a lawyer, a spiritual being, and most importantly as a person. Based on my experience as a family law attorney, my religious beliefs and my knocks and bruises of everyday living; I give you the five things you should never do in a marriage.
5 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER DO IN A MARRIAGE
1. Don’t’ criticize: Criticism is when you make a statement or remark to your partner designed to reduce their self worth.
· “You’re wrong”
· “You’re stupid”
· “You’re such a bad mother”
· “You never play ball with you son like the other dads do.
· “You’re irresponsible”
· “You never balance your checkbook-because of you we are in debt”
· “Your hair looks silly that way”
· “You never do____ anymore”
· “You always nag”
· “You never take the trash out”
· “You never help me with the housework”
· “The house is always a mess when I get home”
· “You are just like your mother”
· “You weren’t like this before we got married.
If you think about it, it really would not be hard for any one of us to make a list of gripes and complaints about our spouse. Heck, my list would be single-spaced and would require extra sheets of paper. Marriage is about compromise and the sooner both husband and wife realize and accept this, the sooner the marriage can begin to heal or grow or get better. We have to pick and choose our battles. You will be pleasantly surprised at how many of your carefully chosen battles you will win, once you learn to let go of the really small ones.
It is much like raising a child. When our kids are toddlers we learn to pick and choose our battles; we let them choose their outfit even if it is a horrific mix-matched purple plaid shirt with red shorts and bright green socks. They are after all learning to assert their independence. We do not however give in when they want to play in the middle of the street. I am not comparing your husband to a two year old~~~well maybe, just a little.
The point is, just like in other relationships in life, let the minor irritations go and you will quickly gain more attention and acquiescence from your spouse when you disagree on major issues. In addition, it is paramount that we learn to fight fair. Yes, it is healthy to have arguments. Scientific studies, as well as medical statistics and marriage and divorce data show us that it is healthier to let your spouse know when he/she does something that hurts you, disappoints you or makes you mad. It is far less productive to keep this inside, but that topic is enough for another whole article.
You remember that list of complaints we just went through? Well, in the middle of a heated argument, the temptation to use this information can be overwhelmingly powerful. Try to resist. If you do not, you can be sure your partner will react in one of two ways: He or she will wither respond in kind or deny it. Either way you do not win. Neither reaction solves problems or creates intimacy.
This will sound cliché, and you have certainly heard or read it before, but it is still good advice. Instead of making statements that begin with “you”, try making “I” statements. For example: “I feel unappreciated when …” “I feel hurt when…”, “I resent it when you…”. Try using these in place of “You are such an idiot.” “You are such a slob; why can’t you ever clean up the house; what do you do all day while I’m at work?” Your spouse’s behavior will never change with that sort of negative feedback. Criticism hurts, and it reduces your spouse’s self worth.
2. Don’t use silence as a weapon: Silence is a deadly weapon. It's far better for a couple to engage in a non-violent, verbal fight where at least they can express what's bothering them than to resort to an icy silence where all they can do is imagine how many different ways they're angry with one other.
Silence is a form of emotional banishment. We punish our partners by cutting them off and refusing to acknowledge their existence. An angry silence communicates the message that my partner is the guilty party and if she wishes any further contact with me, then she will have to apologize and ask for my forgiveness. It is a powerful form of control and manipulation and has no place in a marriage.
Therefore, in order to resolve conflicts effectively, you need to learn how to express resentments in a way that can be heard, acknowledged and resolved. That skill is of utmost importance in a marriage; without it, small problems become major catastrophes.
So, how do you learn to say all those things that are so hard to say? And, how do you say them to a partner who may be reactive? There are no simple answers. You may need to seek professional help to learn how to resolve your marital difficulties.
Silence or the silent treatment is a method of unfair fighting most often used by passive aggressive people. Freezing your partner out, refusing to talk about whatever it is that is upsetting you, or pretending that you are not upset by telling your spouse that “nothing is wrong” while you continue to ignore their needs and withholding your emotions and affection is a serious form of domestic abuse. It is not physical, but emotional abuse leaves scars just as damaging, they are just not as visible.
2. Don’t Triangulate
In a relationship, the partner that feels the most discomfort eventually withdraws from the other and finds a third person who functions as a supportive ally. In the lingo of marital psychology, this is called triangulation. For example, a wife who is feeling lonely and cut off from her husband might increase her involvement with one or more of the children as a way of decreasing her unhappiness. A child who is especially sensitive to the suffering of one of the parents might decide to become that parent's "caregiver". A child in that role usually feels torn apart and on some level resentful about having to parent the parent.
As long as there are triangles, it's impossible for a couple to deal directly with the source of their problem.
Sometimes a teenager who is acting out will unconsciously stabilize the relationship between the parents. It is as if the teen has super radar that picks up on the parents' marital distress and responds by drawing each of them away from their marital problems toward his drug abuse or her school failure. There is no end to the creative ways children can act out in order to divert their parents from dealing with the uncomfortable truth about their marriage.
As long as there are triangles, it's impossible for a couple to deal directly with the source of their problem. It is an obstacle to intimacy and real marital love. However, it's difficult for the partner and the third person to withdraw from their involvement with one another.
The cure for triangulation is trust and intimacy. The question is: How does a couple whose relationship is marked by conflict, rejection and mistrust turn it around? If there's no trust, how do you develop a trusting relationship?
4. Don’t Blame:
How easy it is to say, "It's your fault. You made me do it. It's because of you that things are so bad between us. You're the reason I feel so miserable." It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What's my part in creating the difficulties between us?"
It's so hard to look at ourselves and ask, "What's my part in creating the difficulties between us?"
Blaming is a form of disempowerment. In essence, when I blame I am saying to my partner that she controls my feelings and behavior. My relationship to her is like that of Pavlov's dog -- the bell rings, the dog salivates. My wife forgets to say hello, and I blow up.
When we blame, we deny our partner the opportunity to think seriously about our words and to respond in a thoughtful manner. Instead of expressing our legitimate grievances and feelings, we accuse and threaten, which only invites a similar response. The result is either a skirmish or an all out war, and, as we so painfully understand, all is fair in love and war and marriage is both.
So, what's the antidote to blaming? The answer is simple: Take responsibility for yourself. Putting it into practice, however, is a challenge. It's hard to give up that feeling of being right. It's so difficult to let go of that need to force a confession out of our partners. I'll let you in on a marital truth: Being "right" in a relationship is the booby prize. You win; the relationship loses. If you want the relationship to win, try looking hard at what your part is in creating the conflict. Ask yourself, "What am I doing to create distance and hurt?"
5. DON'T TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR GRANTED
Marriage is probably the most effective and challenging training program for developing character. Many of the encounters we have with our partners afford us an opportunity to practice self-control, kindness and respect. At any given moment, for example, you could be confronted with a choice between lashing out in anger or communicating your resentment. At another moment, the choice might be between taking your partner for granted or expressing appreciation.
You're either taking your spouse for granted or your acknowledging her kindness. There's no middle ground.
The injunction to stop taking your partner for granted is unique among the 5 Things. The only way to fulfill it is by performing a positive act, namely showing appreciation. You're either taking your spouse for granted or your acknowledging her kindness. There's no middle ground. It is also the best means for overcoming selfishness. In order to reach the point where you have a real desire to express appreciation you have to uproot three negative attitudes -- a sense of entitlement, unrealistic expectations and conscious amnesia.
Entitlement is that sense that whatever you do for me I deserve, so why bother thanking you. It's the attitude that my needs come first and it's your job to meet them. Closely aligned with a sense of entitlement is the attitude that if I expect it, you're obligated to do it. With entitlement and expectations, we relate to our partners as if they are extensions of ourselves, not unlike a baby's relationship to his mother's breast. When he cries, he expects to be fed immediately. Conscious amnesia or mindlessness is the art of ignoring or forgetting the obvious. We become oblivious to those small and large kindnesses that our partners do for us. I suspect a sense of entitlement or expectation leads to a state of conscious amnesia.
If you wish to know if you're taking your partner for granted, then I suggest you ask yourself the following question: Are you as polite, kind and considerate to your partner as you are to a casual acquaintance or to a colleague? For most of us, the answer is no. So, ask yourself this question: How would you feel if your partner treated you impolitely, ignored your kindnesses and was inconsiderate of your needs? Before answering, remember the words of Hillel the Elder, "What's hateful to you, don't do to another."
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